“Happy Birthday to One, Happy Birthday to One, Happy 70th Birthday His Royal Highness, Happy Birthday to One!”
70 years old today, or 18 with 52 years worth of experience. It really does feel strange to be well and truly past retirement age without actually starting work yet. One’s entire life has been “your application is being processed”. Bloody hell, time flies when you’re royal. Continue reading →
Kate (your mummy) was expecting a very long labour process. Judging by one’s own experience, it normally takes 68+ years before the crowning begins, but you were delivered in no time at all. With your birth, Prince William (your daddy) has become a father for the third time. He needs all the heir he can get.
Congratulations on winning the eBay listing of Prince Harry, via the ‘Buy It Now’ option. Firstly, one would like to commend you for agreeing to marry into a genuine Royal Family, and not an artificial one like the Kardashians. Continue reading →
Congratulations on becoming the 45th President of the United States of America. 9/11 is a date the world will never forget, and now 11/9 has its own special place in history. On that day America trumped, and the rest of the world followed through. Continue reading →
David Cameron phoned yesterday to say he “leaves Britain a much stronger country”. It’s his sense of humour one’s going to miss the most. He left 10 Downing Street for the last time at 16:48pm to receive his P45 from the Queen, only to return at 16:53pm after leaving one of his children behind. Continue reading →
Mummy is 90 years old today, showing no visible signs of ever slowing down.
She is the longest serving monarch in British history, having reigned on the throne for 64 years and 4 months (23,451 days, and 16 hours; roughly the length of an average game of Monopoly). The longest time one has spent on the Royal throne is approximately 45 mins, after eating a dodgy burger at the Middletons family gathering in 2011.
“Government – a collective group of people that exist for the purposes of increasing debt, widening the gap between the rich and poor, and funding world domination projects such as Europe. Newly elected Governments tend not to solve problems, only to rearrange them”
25th December is almost upon us. Black Friday has come and gone, although it really should be known as ‘Return The Absolute Crap You Bought Because It Doesn’t Work Monday’.
Christmas TV adverts seem to be popping up all over the place, though they are the most enjoyable part during The X Factor. They can’t come quick enough. Sainsbury’s appear to have triumphed this year by creating the World War I Christmas Day truce when both sides played a friendly game of football; no doubt the Germans won on penalties. Continue reading →
“Remember, remember, the fifth of November, something about treason, blah, blah”.
In 1605, Guy Fawkes was captured in the cellars underneath the Houses of Parliament, surrounded by barrels of gunpowder and ten packets of multicoloured sparklers, with a match in one hand, trying to convince everyone that he’d just come to check the underground plumbing.
After being subjected to continuous singing by the Cheryl Fandango-Vasectomy equivalent of 1606, he confessed his sins. Found guilty, he was hung, drawn, and quartered; the penalty at the time for high treason prior to ASBOs. Continue reading →