25th December is almost upon us. Black Friday has come and gone, although it really should be known as ‘Return The Absolute Crap You Bought Because It Doesn’t Work Monday’.
Christmas TV adverts seem to be popping up all over the place, though they are the most enjoyable part during The X Factor. They can’t come quick enough. Sainsbury’s appear to have triumphed this year by creating the World War I Christmas Day truce when both sides played a friendly game of football; no doubt the Germans won on penalties.
The absolute worst thing about Christmas is the high street shops playing the same six songs over the tannoy all bloody day long. Can’t they tune into a different radio station than Capital FM? Thankfully there’s a place where you can get all your shopping done comfortably under one roof; at home, on the Internet.
“Jingle bells, Cameron smells.
Even worse than Clegg”
Last year, the Middletons left their shopping until the last minute, and got all their gifts from Argos on Christmas Eve. Apparently it was ok though, as everyone loved their pens. Carole Middleton mentioned they’d wasted two hours queueing earlier in the day, only to discover that Poundland don’t sell gift vouchers (where/what the sodding hell is Poundland?).
Had Father Christmas on the phone saying he’s almost finished making his gifts. Says “Prince Harry was on the good boy list, until he read what he wanted for Christmas. Ho ho ho”. Awkward. Camilla has asked him for “some chocolate and a nice surprise”, so he’s got her a Kinder Egg. Joker.
One has made a quick list of present ideas:
- Camilla: Hugh Jackman (washed, shaved, and polished).
- William and Kate: Australia, as they seem to love it Down Under.
- Prince George: Hornby train set; and a bus replacement service set in case he breaks it.
- Harry: Pippa Middleton, and a shedload of clothes (wouldn’t want him running out again).
- The Middleton Family: a copy of one’s new book (click here), although not entirely convinced they can actually read.
- Mr Cameron: Politics for Dummies.
- Mr Clegg: £100 voucher to spend in the DFS Christmas Sale, mainly to replace all the seats he keeps losing.
- Mr Osborne: a calculator.
- Ed Miliband: Hear’Say Greatest Hits CD
- Nigel Farage: Foreigner Greatest Hits CD, and a giant frankfurter for his German wife. She loves a big sausage.
- Boris Johnson: a bicycle which actually works, including stabilisers.
- Alex Salmond: Independence Day and Braveheart DVD, just to cheer him up .
- Sir Bob Geldof: hairbrush and a bar of soap.
- Cheryl Fandango-Vasectomy: singing (miming) lessons.
- Justin Bieber: a warrant for her arrest should she set foot on the pleasant land of Great Britain again. Horrible little girl.
- Kim Jong-Un: electric hair clippers
- President Vladimir Putin: box of Snickers.
- Good children: presents delivered from Father Christmas.
- Bad children: some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.