Dear Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor,
By the highest odds imaginable, you have avoided being conceived within an artificial sovereign family such as the Kardashians or the Beckhams, and have placed yourself in the covetable position of 7th in line* to the throne of the British Royal Family.
*And do trust one when I say, it’s a bloody slow moving line. Continue reading
Dear Prince Louis Arthur Charles of Cambridge,
Kate (your mummy) was expecting a very long labour process. Judging by one’s own experience, it normally takes 68+ years before the crowning begins, but you were delivered in no time at all. With your birth, Prince William (your daddy) has become a father for the third time. He needs all the heir he can get.
Dear Meghan Markle,
Congratulations on winning the eBay listing of Prince Harry, via the ‘Buy It Now’ option. Firstly, one would like to commend you for agreeing to marry into a genuine Royal Family, and not an artificial one like the Kardashians. Continue reading
Dear President Trump,
Congratulations on becoming the 45th President of the United States of America. 9/11 is a date the world will never forget, and now 11/9 has its own special place in history. On that day America trumped, and the rest of the world followed through. Continue reading
Dear Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge,
Congratulations, you have just been born a Royal subject, On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix, and have therefore won life’s lottery. Continue reading
Dear President Putin,
Yesterday, it was reported that one compared you to the most evil man in world history, Adolf Hitler, who would annex countries surrounding Germany for himself. You may refer to this as window shopping. Continue reading
Dear Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge,
Welcome to the British Royal Family. You kept the whole world waiting, but then that is one of the privileges. Many people would kill to become part of the monarchy, and they have done in the past. One will read you a bedtime story about Great-Uncle Henry Tudor and Great-Uncle Richard III when you’re old enough to understand. Continue reading
Dearest Leader of North Korea,
This is a letter from someone who is deeply concerned about your recent actions.
One can understand the frustration that your career has taken a downward spiral since appearing in The Hangover films. It surely isn’t helping your already deflated self-esteem that the South Korean, PSY, has taken over the YouTube charts, and launched a totally-idiotic new dance phenomenon. Continue reading
Dear Jim Bowen Jorge Mario Beergoggles Pope Francis I,
One would like to extend many congratulations on your election as the new head of the Catholic Church. Of course, this isn’t the first time an Argentinian has won through the hand of God. Continue reading
