“Government – a collective group of people that exist for the purposes of increasing debt, widening the gap between the rich and poor, and funding world domination projects such as Europe. Newly elected Governments tend not to solve problems, only to rearrange them”
Whether you’ve made up your mind about the 2015 General Election, or you’re still swaying in the wind, here is one’s quick guide that could help you navigate the murky waters of British Politics (though it doesn’t matter who you vote for, as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway):
David Cameron is the current Prime Minister, although one seriously doubts whether he passed his A level Politics at all. He consistently concludes that the economy is in a terrible mess due to the banking collapse Labour. If one had a pound for every time Cameron said he would sort the country’s problems out, one would be rich enough to live under a Tory government.
The Conservative Party works hard to give as much British money to bankers as possible, and sign away as much British democracy as they can to the European Union. Voting for a complete Tory government would be a guaranteed way of getting Spitting Image back on television.
Ed Miliband is known for his distinct nasal voice, inability to eat a bacon sandwich, and an uncanny resemblance to Mr Bean.
The Labour Party was formed to give a voice to the many millions of people belonging to the Working Class – a task normally attempted in recent years by someone who’s privately educated or extremely wealthy, or both.
Nigel Farage wants to get rid of immigrants working within the UK whilst employing his German wife as a secretary. He has consistently vowed to expel any UKIP members with extremist views; 45,231 offices close tomorrow night.
The UK Independence Party (UKIP) is the political party for people who find the British National Party (BNP) a little too scary and prefer their racism disguised. Supporters of this political party can now buy Cluedo: UKIP Edition. It was immigrants, all the time, everywhere.
A recent poll suggested that UKIP would make a terrible Government*.
*UKIP have since had the poor sod deported.
Nick Clegg is the Deputy Prime Minister, meaning full control of important Government matters, such as sitting next to Mr Cameron in the House of Commons and dusting his office when he’s somewhere more important. He failed his A level Biology after he couldn’t find a backbone.
The Liberal Democrats (Lib Dems/Fib Dems) are generally considered to be a wasted vote having recently achieved promotion from ‘Void’ to ‘None of the above’ on UK electoral voting slips. One is fairly certain the party is dominated by male members due to the difficulty of applying make-up on to two faces.
Natalie Bennett is from Australia. Enough said.
The Green Party only received 8% of the vote in 2010’s General Election. They would have done better, but half of their voters put the ballot papers in the recycling bin to show their full support. Their policies include free opticians, free prescriptions, free university placements, free dental treatment, and to increase the minimum wage over £10. Members of the Green Party clearly know how to make money grow on trees.
And the winner, of the 2015 General Election is….
The Conservative Party.
Perhaps the Polling Council accidentally uninstalled the anti-virus software?
Text from Nigel Farage: "Bloody polls, coming here, stealing our jobs". #ExitPolls— King Charles III (parody) (@Charles_HRH) May 7, 2015
The Labour Party surprisingly lost, despite receiving backing from various Z-list celebrities like Russell Brand, but then who would actually listen to advice given by the man who divorced Katy Perry.
The Liberal Democrats have been taught a valuable lesson during this election; it’s a shame they’ll have to pay the tuition fees.
UKIP has announced free education for all of their supporters, as many of them struggled yesterday to spell the letter ‘X’.
Ironically, if you voted for the Green Party, you have wasted a piece of paper.
Mr Cameron was only in power for a 5 minutes before the unemployment rate rose again by 3. Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg, and Nigel Farage have all resigned from their corresponding parties. The leaders are quitting left, right, and centre, but at least that’s the new Top Gear presenters finally sorted.
This short guide and much more can be found in Charles_HRH’s guide to Great Britishness. Click here to buy.