Tag Archives: parody

Megxit means Megxit

Harry and Meghan

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s decision to ‘step down’ as ‘senior members’ of the British Royal Family, and split their time between the UK and Canada has come as a complete shock. No one has successfully managed to break up a powerful British group since Yoko Ono.  Continue reading

One’s letter to Archie Harrison

Dear Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor,

By the highest odds imaginable, you have avoided being conceived within an artificial sovereign family such as the Kardashians or the Beckhams, and have placed yourself in the covetable position of 7th in line* to the throne of the British Royal Family.

*And do trust one when I say, it’s a bloody slow moving line. Continue reading

One’s 70th Birthday

“Happy Birthday to One, Happy Birthday to One, Happy 70th Birthday His Royal Highness, Happy Birthday to One!”

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70 years old today, or 18 with 52 years worth of experience. It really does feel strange to be well and truly past retirement age without actually starting work yet. One’s entire life has been “your application is being processed”. Bloody hell, time flies when you’re royal. Continue reading

One’s letter to Prince Louis

Dear Prince Louis Arthur Charles of Cambridge,

Kate (your mummy) was expecting a very long labour process. Judging by one’s own experience, it normally takes 68+ years before the crowning begins, but you were delivered in no time at all. With your birth, Prince William (your daddy) has become a father for the third time. He needs all the heir he can get.

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One’s letter to President Donald Trump

Dear President Trump,

Congratulations on becoming the 45th President of the United States of America. 9/11 is a date the world will never forget, and now 11/9 has its own special place in history. On that day America trumped, and the rest of the world followed through. Continue reading

The Darling Buddies of May

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“Your brother named his band after me”.

David Cameron phoned yesterday to say he “leaves Britain a much stronger country”. It’s his sense of humour one’s going to miss the most. He left 10 Downing Street for the last time at 16:48pm to receive his P45 from the Queen, only to return at 16:53pm after leaving one of his children behind.
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Queen Elizabeth II’s 90th Birthday

Mummy is 90 years old today, showing no visible signs of ever slowing down.

She is the longest serving monarch in British history, having reigned on the throne for 64 years and 4 months (23,451 days, and 16 hours; roughly the length of an average game of Monopoly). The longest time one has spent on the Royal throne is approximately 45 mins, after eating a dodgy burger at the Middletons family gathering in 2011.

_44580601_charles_balm_royalcoll466 Continue reading

The PM Factor and Results

“Government – a collective group of people that exist for the purposes of increasing debt, widening the gap between the rich and poor, and funding world domination projects such as Europe. Newly elected Governments tend not to solve problems, only to rearrange them”

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One’s letter to Princess Charlotte

Dear Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge,

Congratulations, you have just been born a Royal subject, On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix, and have therefore won life’s lottery. Continue reading

The Royal Christmas List

25th December is almost upon us. Black Friday has come and gone, although it really should be known as ‘Return The Absolute Crap You Bought Because It Doesn’t Work Monday’.

Christmas TV adverts seem to be popping up all over the place, though they are the most enjoyable part during The X Factor. They can’t come quick enough. Sainsbury’s appear to have triumphed this year by creating the World War I Christmas Day truce when both sides played a friendly game of football; no doubt the Germans won on penalties. Continue reading