“Remember, remember, the fifth of November, something about treason, blah, blah”.
In 1605, Guy Fawkes was captured in the cellars underneath the Houses of Parliament, surrounded by barrels of gunpowder and ten packets of multicoloured sparklers, with a match in one hand, trying to convince everyone that he’d just come to check the underground plumbing.
After being subjected to continuous singing by the Cheryl Fandango-Vasectomy equivalent of 1606, he confessed his sins. Found guilty, he was hung, drawn, and quartered; the penalty at the time for high treason prior to ASBOs. Continue reading
Posted in General
Tagged 5th, Bonfire, Britishness, Charles, Fawkes, Fifth, Fireworks, Great, Guy, Night, November, parody, Prince, Safety, Sparklers, Tips
Dear President Putin,
Yesterday, it was reported that one compared you to the most evil man in world history, Adolf Hitler, who would annex countries surrounding Germany for himself. You may refer to this as window shopping. Continue reading
Dear Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge,
Welcome to the British Royal Family. You kept the whole world waiting, but then that is one of the privileges. Many people would kill to become part of the monarchy, and they have done in the past. One will read you a bedtime story about Great-Uncle Henry Tudor and Great-Uncle Richard III when you’re old enough to understand. Continue reading
Posted in Letters
Tagged Alexander, Baby, Britain, British, Britishness, Charles, Charles_HRH, George, Great, Kate, Lindo, Louis, Mary's, Middleton, parody, Prince, Royal, St, William, Wing
9 months. 9 sodding months William and Kate have had to wait for their first child. Disgraceful. Quite frankly, this is the last time they’ll be using the NHS. Continue reading
Posted in Royalty
Tagged Baby, Charles, Charles_HRH, Kate, Lindo, Mary's, Middleton, Prince, Royal, St, William
The yearly tennis competition that decides whether Andy Murray is British or Scottish. Although after the independence referendum, he could be permanently Scottish whether he wins or loses. Continue reading
Royal visit to Wales. One initally thought one was visiting a little town called Llanthwgcyrigabreth before realising the tour guide had a hair in his mouth. Continue reading
Royal Ascot week. One’s bookmaker phoned early to let one know that they’ve changed the race conditions this year. Instead of “soft, good to firm and firm”, they’re using “rare, medium rare and well done”. Continue reading
Just over a month until the arrival of the Royal baby, which one can confirm has been growing faster than the economy. Continue reading
Dearest Leader of North Korea,
This is a letter from someone who is deeply concerned about your recent actions.
One can understand the frustration that your career has taken a downward spiral since appearing in The Hangover films. It surely isn’t helping your already deflated self-esteem that the South Korean, PSY, has taken over the YouTube charts, and launched a totally-idiotic new dance phenomenon. Continue reading
Absolutely sodding freezing. Might import some sunshine from Cyprus, who appear to be having a half price sale at the moment.
David Miliband phoned to say he’s leaving the Labour Party to spend less time with his family. He’s decided to join an organisation called International Rescue. From one bunch of puppets to another. He really must’ve pulled a few strings to land that job. Continue reading