Dear Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge,
Congratulations, you have just been born a Royal subject, On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix, and have therefore won life’s lottery. Continue reading
25th December is almost upon us. Black Friday has come and gone, although it really should be known as ‘Return The Absolute Crap You Bought Because It Doesn’t Work Monday’.
Christmas TV adverts seem to be popping up all over the place, though they are the most enjoyable part during The X Factor. They can’t come quick enough. Sainsbury’s appear to have triumphed this year by creating the World War I Christmas Day truce when both sides played a friendly game of football; no doubt the Germans won on penalties. Continue reading
In 1605, Guy Fawkes was captured in the cellars underneath the Houses of Parliament, surrounded by barrels of gunpowder and ten packets of multicoloured sparklers, with a match in one hand, trying to convince everyone that he’d just come to check the underground plumbing.
After being subjected to continuous singing by the Cheryl Fandango-Vasectomy equivalent of 1606, he confessed his sins. Found guilty, he was hung, drawn, and quartered; the penalty at the time for high treason prior to ASBOs. Continue reading
Dear President Putin,
Yesterday, it was reported that one compared you to the most evil man in world history, Adolf Hitler, who would annex countries surrounding Germany for himself. You may refer to this as window shopping. Continue reading
Dear Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge,
Welcome to the British Royal Family. You kept the whole world waiting, but then that is one of the privileges. Many people would kill to become part of the monarchy, and they have done in the past. One will read you a bedtime story about Great-Uncle Henry Tudor and Great-Uncle Richard III when you’re old enough to understand. Continue reading
9 months. 9 sodding months William and Kate have had to wait for their first child. Disgraceful. Quite frankly, this is the last time they’ll be using the NHS. Continue reading
The yearly tennis competition that decides whether Andy Murray is British or Scottish. Although after the independence referendum, he could be permanently Scottish whether he wins or loses. Continue reading
Royal visit to Wales. One initally thought one was visiting a little town called Llanthwgcyrigabreth before realising the tour guide had a hair in his mouth. Continue reading
Royal Ascot week. One’s bookmaker phoned early to let one know that they’ve changed the race conditions this year. Instead of “soft, good to firm and firm”, they’re using “rare, medium rare and well done”. Continue reading
Just over a month until the arrival of the Royal baby, which one can confirm has been growing faster than the economy. Continue reading
