One’s letter to HM Queen Elizabeth II (mummy)

How did you make it look so easy for over 70 years? One’s been King for 5 mins, and doesn’t know if one’s on his head or his arse. And don’t mention those bloody ink pens…

It’s poetically fitting your last act and duty was to tell Boris Johnson to piss off, and to ensure he was no longer in power. We all admire you for that alone.

It’s no coincidence your funeral was held on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, mainly because Arrr comes after Queue. And queue they did in their thousands (everyone except Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield). We officially named it the ‘Elizabeth Line’, as it’s hard to think of anything more British and fitting than paying tribute to you with the longest queue in history. People queued for a full day, watched the queue on TV and tracked the queue 24/7 online. It had to be closed for 6 hours to avoid congestion AND a queue for the queue was formed (named ‘QueueE2’). Britishness has peaked!

World leaders, heads of state and foreign dignitaries have all paid their respects to you. Donald Trump didn’t simply because he wasn’t invited to. We knew you didn’t want him anywhere near the UK in life, let alone in death.

Even David Beckham queued for 12 hours, and as you know he can only count to 10! Queuedos to him – many are saying he’s only after a Knighthood, but we’ll keep him waiting a little bit longer. Unless he finds one in a box of cornflakes like Cliff Richard did in 1995. What are the chances?

All the King’s horses, and all the King’s men made sure your state funeral was an event of emotion, beauty and splendour. That was until Liz Truss gave her reading. Looking into emergency legislation that someone who shakes one’s hand two days before death isn’t legally allowed to do a bible reading at one’s funeral.

Mummy, what was it like when it happened? I hope Freddie Mercury was waiting for you, with papa and other long lost members of the family by his side. A pretty deep question for a parody account, but one has often wondered. You could say we’re all, in fact, in a queue heading slowly towards a coffin.

It really does feel strange to be well and truly past retirement age, then to land your first proper job at the age of 73. One’s entire life has been “your application is being processed”. Of course, the job specification requires one’s senior to succumb, but that’s the sad reality of the Royal circle of life.

You reigned over us for 70 glorious years, having saw 15 UK Prime Ministers (mind you; Princess Charlotte is only 7, and she’s seen 4 of them), 13 US Presidents, 13 Doctor Whos, 7 James Bonds and one Paddington Bear.

You will always be remembered as the longest serving monarch in British history, having reigned on the throne for 70 years and 214 days (618,743 hours). You were the Queen of the longest running reality show in the world, with more costume changes than the average Elton John and a much loved figure around the world.

You could believe it’s not butter, didn’t pay too much for your car insurance and hadn’t been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault (as Prince Philip was driving).

You were a Killer Queen, guaranteed to blow our minds.

Farewell mummy, until we meet again. You were always two steps ahead of Prince Philip, but now follow him into heaven. Crown returned, duty done.

God bless the best Queen ever.

In loving and devoted memory,

~Charles~ (King…)

p.s. Muick and Sandy, your beloved corgis will be going to live with Prince Andrew. He says it’s “no sweat” and has promised to keep them well groomed.

p.p.s. If Elton John decides to release a song dedicated to you, where are the keys to the Tower of London actually kept?