One’s letter to Archie Harrison

Dear Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor,

By the highest odds imaginable, you have avoided being conceived within an artificial sovereign family such as the Kardashians or the Beckhams, and have placed yourself in the covetable position of 7th in line* to the throne of the British Royal Family.

*And do trust one when I say, it’s a bloody slow moving line.

Your mother wanted a more traditional birth away from the public eye, which is why you were actually born in a stable. Royalty born c.2000 years ago were greeted by three wise men. Nowadays one has to make do with Jeremy Corbyn, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson.

Your arrival is a stark demonstration of how far the Monarchy has progressed in the past 80 years, when the idea of having sexual intercourse with a ginger was inconceivable.

In the era of Brexit, a dysfunctional British Government, endless lists of sexual predators and a new brand of American political chaos, the pomp, circumstance, and commemorative souvenirs of a new Royal addition can take people’s minds off the bad things for a while. Or at least until President Donald Trump tweets something absolutely nonsensical.

Many people may claim to be Hollywood Royalty, but the USA is about to gain its first official Royal baby. With your help, the Royal Family aim to implement the long haul master plan transition of making America Great (Britain) Again.

1. Prince Harry marries an American
2. They have you
3. You get dual citizenship
4. You become King
5. You’re elected as US President
6. USA is once again ruled by an English King

Love always,

Grandpa ~Charles_HRH~ (Future King)

p.s. I sincerely hope you like your new name. We’ll see about giving you an official title of Prince when one becomes King, but in the meantime your initials are an anagram of Wham. Your father is a big fan of George Michael.