Category Archives: Royalty

Queen Elizabeth II’s 90th Birthday

Mummy is 90 years old today, showing no visible signs of ever slowing down.

She is the longest serving monarch in British history, having reigned on the throne for 64 years and 4 months (23,451 days, and 16 hours; roughly the length of an average game of Monopoly). The longest time one has spent on the Royal throne is approximately 45 mins, after eating a dodgy burger at the Middletons family gathering in 2011.

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Royal Christmas Tips

Christmas is a time for expensive traditions. Greeting cards for people you see every week, presents you don’t need/want, food that upsets your stomach, and decorations that are a fire hazard.

As the day rapidly approaches, many of you will be dreading spending time stuck in a house with your nearest and dearest, munching on the dried out bird that gets a good stuffing once a year. The key to getting through Christmas successfully is drinking the right amount of alcohol, without becoming violent, but enough to block out reality. Continue reading

The Royal Christmas List

25th December is almost upon us. Black Friday has come and gone, although it really should be known as ‘Return The Absolute Crap You Bought Because It Doesn’t Work Monday’.

Christmas TV adverts seem to be popping up all over the place, though they are the most enjoyable part during The X Factor. They can’t come quick enough. Sainsbury’s appear to have triumphed this year by creating the World War I Christmas Day truce when both sides played a friendly game of football; no doubt the Germans won on penalties. Continue reading

One’s 66th Birthday

“Happy Birthday to one, happy birthday to one, happy birthday one’s Royal Highness, happy birthday to one!”

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On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix

9 months. 9 sodding months William and Kate have had to wait for their first child. Disgraceful. Quite frankly, this is the last time they’ll be using the NHS. Continue reading

Royal Ascot

Royal Ascot week. One’s bookmaker phoned early to let one know that they’ve changed the race conditions this year. Instead of “soft, good to firm and firm”, they’re using “rare, medium rare and well done”. Continue reading

Royal Baby Bump

Just over a month until the arrival of the Royal baby, which one can confirm has been growing faster than the economy. Continue reading

Royal Flush

Mother has returned home after staying in hospital with a stomach bug. She’d been on the throne all weekend. Quite frankly that’s the last time she’ll eat a sodding lasagne.  Continue reading

New Year, New Beginnings

First and foremost, welcome to one’s official online residence. Royal engineers have been working around the clock like blue arsed flies to give your Future King a place to share thoughts and opinions.

January has been a busy start to the year 2013.

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