One’s letter to Prince George

Dear Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge,

Welcome to the British Royal Family. You kept the whole world waiting, but then that is one of the privileges. Many people would kill to become part of the monarchy, and they have done in the past. One will read you a bedtime story about Great-Uncle Henry Tudor and Great-Uncle Richard III when you’re old enough to understand. Continue reading

On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix

9 months. 9 sodding months William and Kate have had to wait for their first child. Disgraceful. Quite frankly, this is the last time they’ll be using the NHS. Continue reading

Wimbledon

The yearly tennis competition that decides whether Andy Murray is British or Scottish. Although after the independence referendum, he could be permanently Scottish whether he wins or loses. Continue reading

Doctor Who and the Daleks

Royal visit to Wales. One initally thought one was visiting a little town called Llanthwgcyrigabreth before realising the tour guide had a hair in his mouth.  Continue reading

Royal Ascot

Royal Ascot week. One’s bookmaker phoned early to let one know that they’ve changed the race conditions this year. Instead of “soft, good to firm and firm”, they’re using “rare, medium rare and well done”. Continue reading

Royal Baby Bump

Just over a month until the arrival of the Royal baby, which one can confirm has been growing faster than the economy. Continue reading

State Opening of Parliament – Work Experience

Sir Alex Ferguson phoned this morning to tell one he’d decided to retire from Manchester United Football Club. Said “the time was right”, although according to his watch, he had another six minutes. Continue reading

One’s letter to Kim Jong-un

Dearest Leader of North Korea,

This is a letter from someone who is deeply concerned about your recent actions.

One can understand the frustration that your career has taken a downward spiral since appearing in The Hangover films. It surely isn’t helping your already deflated self-esteem that the South Korean, PSY, has taken over the YouTube charts, and launched a totally-idiotic new dance phenomenon. Continue reading

No, Camilla, Abu Qatada is not “a song from The Lion King”

Absolutely sodding freezing. Might import some sunshine from Cyprus, who appear to be having a half price sale at the moment.

David Miliband phoned to say he’s leaving the Labour Party to spend less time with his family. He’s decided to join an organisation called International Rescue. From one bunch of puppets to another. He really must’ve pulled a few strings to land that job. Continue reading

Budget 2013

George Osborne decided to join Twitter this morning. Of all sodding days to choose. He tweeted a picture of himself busily writing his speech (economics homework) with the red budget box (his lunchbox) on the table. Poor boy hasn’t been abused this much since leaving school last year.  Continue reading