“We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in self-isolation, we shall fight with face masks and soap, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing viruses in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost to the NHS may be. We shall fight on the London underground, we shall fight over the remote control, we shall fight in the supermarkets and in the streets, we shall fight in the takeaways; we shall never surrender to Coronavirus” – says a country that fell apart with mass hysteria when KFC ran out of chicken.
Since the first signs of the deadly coronavirus from Wuhan, China in 2019, it’s all gone bat soup crazy! One can confirm that millions of ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ products sold in the last 20 years have done sweet FA.
Panic buying has spread throughout the UK, with toilet paper being the most sort after commodity since new binge watches on Netflix. One can assure you wiping your arse won’t give you any protection whatsoever against the coronavirus, but washing your hands might.
Unlike the majority of the population, one didn’t feel the need to rush out to buy soap, as we already had some at home. Slightly concerned that people are only just realising they need to wash their hands?! The companies who make hand sanitiser must be rubbing their hands together. Experts are confident that washing our hands regularly will eventually combat coronavirus but say they are expecting an outbreak of OCD.
Some people have stopped shaking hands from fear of contracting the deadly disease. One isn’t shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
‘Health minister’ Nadine Dorries was the first UK MP to be diagnosed with coronavirus, and has subsequently been downgraded to ‘unhealthy minister’.
Donald Trump has declared a national emergency and has completely closed the US borders from mainland Europe, which is no surprise, as he thinks germs come from Germany. The virus affecting USA is still not as bad as the one that’s been affecting it since the 2016 elections.
The global pandemic has also hit the world of football, with all games cancelled in the UK until 4th April, making it apparent that even God doesn’t want Liverpool to win the Premier League title. Tottenham Hotspur won’t be cancelling any games during the health scare, as their players haven’t been within 6 feet of an opposition player in weeks. The head coach of Arsenal Football Club, Mikel Arteta, has also been diagnosed with coronavirus, although one firmly believes he’s actually got Spanish flu.
“No-one seems to be safe from infection, which is why one has driven to mummy’s, taken care of Philip, grabbed Liz, gone to Windsor, and is currently having a cup of tea and waiting for it to blow over”.
Over the past decade, the UK has faced the ABC’s – Austerity, Brexit and now Coronavirus. What the sodding hell is next?
Our ancestors told stories of how they survived world wars. Many years from now we can tell our grandchildren and great grandchildren of how we survived the Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020.
p.s. Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 10 seconds, then plugging it back in? Asking for a planet.
p.p.s. Stay safe, and keep washing your bloody hands!