One’s letter to Meghan Markle

Dear Meghan Markle,

Congratulations on winning the eBay listing of Prince Harry, via the ‘Buy It Now’ option. Firstly, one would like to commend you for agreeing to marry into a genuine Royal Family, and not an artificial one like the Kardashians.

By becoming a spare Royal, you’ve automatically qualified for certain perks of the job which includes fabulous wealth, privileged lifestyle, free downloads from iTunes, and unlimited rides of Harry’s chopper.

British social attitudes have transformed in recent years, but the Monarchy has been bound by traditional Christian values. Your engagement and wedding is a stark demonstration of how much the Monarchy has modernised in the last 80 years when the idea of marrying a ginger was inconceivable.

Many people may claim to be Hollywood Royalty, but the USA is about to gain its first official Duchess. With your help, the Royal Family aim to implement the long haul transition of making America Great (Britain) Again.

Welcome to the family.

Regards,

~Charles_HRH~ (Future King, and Father In Law)

p.s. Immediately block Piers Morgan on Twitter, and ignore everything he says.

Your Personal Guide to ‘Becoming British’:

1. Talk about the weather, even though it’s been the same for the past two months. A scattering of snow brings the country to a complete stop and a little less rain than usual starts a drought, sending the Government into a hosepipe-banning meltdown. The rail network is particularly vulnerable to weather – trains have been cancelled for everything from leaves on the track to the wrong type of snow. In short, Great Britain is the only nation that runs more efficiently through a world war than a snowstorm.

2. In British society, there are very strict rules on politeness and conduct. With enough teaching and guidance, even the most untrained creatures can bluff the simple rules featured in the British Book of Etiquette, which the Middleton Family have been reading since 2010. The American Book of Etiquette happens to be a very slim volume.

3. The British love to complain, but aren’t not very good at it, simply not wanting to make a fuss. If a true Englishman were served horsemeat in a restaurant, he would contact the RSPCA before complaining to the chef.

4. Support the national football (not soccer) team despite the fact they’ve gradually forgotten how to play since 1966.

5. Britain’s distinctive humour is one of the nation’s defining features. We learn it naturally, and no other country has been able to understand us. The difference between British humour and American humour is said to be complex, though one thinks there’s only one key difference: British humour is funny.

6. Whether it’s a family crisis, a government scandal, or an international emergency, sitting down with a cup of freshly brewed tea is an almost guaranteed way of solving problems, or at least making them seem less severe. Opening up doorways into conversation, the slurps of a good cuppa delight the ears of anyone struggling in that awkward pause between topics.

7. The British national identity has the ability to form an orderly queue with just two people, often without knowing what they’re queuing for.

8. Detest the French. Their food, culture, men, personal hygiene habits etc. Should anyone point out that they’ve been our allies for the past fifty years, the correct response should be “Yes, but they’ve been our enemies for the past two thousand years”.

9. British people inherit the stiff upper lip naturally, but anyone else will need the help of liquid nitrogen.

10. Friday and Saturday night (or any other night of the week) is the appropriate time to drink so much alcohol that you can’t remember your own name. The amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to the coldness of the climate. So, as the UK is bloody freezing most of the year, we need plenty of booze to warm our blood. Or, it’s needed to ease the pain of living under a Conservative Government.

More handy tips can be found in Charles_HRH’s guide to Great Britishness.

Click here to buy.