Christmas is a time for expensive traditions. Greeting cards for people you see every week, presents you don’t need/want, food that upsets your stomach, and decorations that are a fire hazard.
As the day rapidly approaches, many of you will be dreading spending time stuck in a house with your nearest and dearest, munching on the dried out bird that gets a good stuffing once a year. The key to getting through Christmas successfully is drinking the right amount of alcohol, without becoming violent, but enough to block out reality.
One has provided some tips to make sure yours runs as smoothly as possible:
1. Most important thing first; NEVER refer to it as ‘Xmas’. It’s ‘Christmas’, as in the birth of ‘Christ’. Nobody named ‘X’ was born on the 25th December. Not ‘Seasons Greetings’, ‘Festive Time’ or ‘Happy Holidays’. Christmas.
2. The dulcet tones of Cliff Richard singing Christmas songs aren’t meant to be enjoyed; it’s highly intensive training in the event you’re ever arrested and placed inside the Tower of London. Be thankful the moment Big Ben strikes midnight on the 31st, as it means you won’t be hearing Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ for another 11 months.
3. It is customary to hang a ball of mistletoe above a door or walking place. Mistletoe should NEVER be worn as a belt buckle, even if your name happens to be Prince Harry. Alternatively, it can be placed in your back pocket so all the people you don’t like can kiss your arse.
4. Just because you feel you ought to invite your extended family over, doesn’t mean you have to let them inside.
5. The one thing about Christmas, is that you have to “enjoy” the gift of giving, and not receiving. For future reference, don’t give socks as a present. They’re socks, and nobody wants them. Ever. One is seriously looking into making it illegal to give socks to a loved one.
6. Practice your “it’s just what I always wanted” face in front of the bathroom mirror. You’re going to need it whilst unwrapping your gifts, which most likely will be a pack of bloody socks (see above). If you can manage to look the least bit grateful for the electric tin opener, you deserve a BAFTA.
“Carole and Michael, you shouldn’t have. No, you really shouldn’t have. Did you keep the receipt?”.
Once the day has finished, you can re-wrap the unwanted presents and send them to someone you don’t particularly cherish, like a Member of Parliament.
7. The following phrases are only acceptable on Christmas Day:
- I prefer breasts to legs.
- If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
- I’ve never seen a better spread.
- Don’t play with your meat.
- Do you want extra stuffing?
- That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
- Just pull the end and wait for the bang!
- Are you ready for seconds?
8. Christmas crackers should contain an unfunny joke, a useless toy, and a paper crown, which is the closest one will get to a real one for a while.
9. Over the next few days, you’ll be living your life like a between-matches Wayne Rooney. Roast turkey (swan) being served for dinner should be 100% organic, privately educated, and has been on holiday at least twice in its short life. He/she will be posthumously knighted on the dining table, and evenly sliced with the same sword. Extra precaution should be taken whilst eating the bird. As the Queen Mother used to say, “most turkeys are as dry as a nun’s crotch”.
10. A corgi isn’t just for Christmas; in North Korea it’s for Christmas dinner
11. Once you’ve eaten more food in one seating than you’d normally eat in a week, it’s time to force down (literally, as no sod likes it) some traditional Christmas pudding. Camilla won’t be eating it again, as she nearly choked to death on the silver coin one put in her serving last year. Those five pound coins are a mouthful.
12. After dinner, it’s time to watch some repetitive Christmas television, where they operate a little known law. “No film made in the past 12 years is allowed to be shown”. At 3pm, Queen Elizabeth II’s Christmas Speech is compulsory viewing by law, or as she likes to call it, ‘The One Show’.
If at anytime during the day you start to feel stressed, or Uncle Bob’s drunken singing begins to grate your ears, one’s guide to Great Britishness is still available for you to escape into (click here). If you still feel stressed, think about what the turkey went through earlier in the kitchen.
Merry Christmas to you all, and a Happy New Year.