George Osborne decided to join Twitter this morning. Of all sodding days to choose. He tweeted a picture of himself busily writing his speech (economics homework) with the red budget box (his lunchbox) on the table. Poor boy hasn’t been abused this much since leaving school last year.
Mr Osborne phoned to ask one’s thoughts on what he should wear whilst announcing the budget. One suggested a balaclava. Even highwayman Dick Turpin had the decency to cover his face before robbing people.
“Watched twenty minutes of The Muppet Show before realising it was the Budget. Awkward”.
Here is a quick summary of Mr Osborne’s Budget 2013:
- Slow economic growth (William and Kate’s baby is growing faster)
- Debt has risen to £1.16 trillion (UK Government will never use Wonga.com EVER again)
- For every one job lost in the public sector, six have been created (really?!)
- Pensions to be capped at £144 per week (no wonder Mother hasn’t retired yet)
- Interest-free loans for new homeowners (houses available in Cyprus only)
- Childcare provisions will take place 2015 (until then; Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool)
- Beer duty to be cut by 1p, fuel duty to be scrapped (good news for drink drivers)
- Alcohol duty to increase, including gin (absolute moron)
The fact that Budget Day and International Happiness Day both occurred on the 20th March 2013 is purely coincidental. Obviously.
Have downgraded George Osborne’s Twitter account to 70 characters.