Jim Bowen Jorge Mario Beergoggles Pope Francis I,
One would like to extend many congratulations on your election as the new head of the Catholic Church. Of course, this isn’t the first time an Argentinian has won through the hand of God.
It must’ve been rather exciting for you to appear on the balcony, although felt sorry for people waiting in the pissing rain for someone who was later than Justin Bieber. Camilla thought the new Pope was going to be a woman, given the amount of time it took you to get ready.
Watched with anticipation as white smoke filled the air, before realising one had burnt the toast. There’s no Pope without fire.
Thank you for your recent text questioning the legitimacy of Falklands independence despite 1,513 residents voting to stay British. It does seem rather amusing coming from a man who got elected to office by less than 117 votes. Put simply in Latin, the answer is Non (Sod off).
One is confident that you’ll successfully lead the 1.2 billion Catholics around the world. Camilla and I know how much you love doing the conga.
If there’s anything you need, don’t resist to ask. Although the Vatican has always taken pride in the helpfulness of the choir boys.
Sincerely from your Future King,
p.s Suggest you start thinking about things to give up for Lent. Pope Benedict XVI has set the bar pretty high.